INSOMNIA
Perhaps it's the fact that I slept until 10:30 the past two mornings of the week. Which wouldn't make sense, because I've slept until 10:30 plenty of times in the past and have been able to sleep just fine the next night. Perhaps it's the pint of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream that I ate around 11:00 PM... That would make sense, considering the fact that it has a lot of sugar in it... combined with the late mornings I've been having... I could see that as an option. Perhaps it's a temperature control issue. That would also make sense, because I literally cannot decide if I'm hot, cold, or comfortable. Thus far, the pattern goes from comfortable --- hot --- throws off covers --- cold --- and repeat. It's miserable. Perhaps it's because I have 5000 ideas for a song running through my head at one time. Perhaps it's because of my old house creaking a lot and freaking me out everytime something pops/cracks/shutters. Perhaps it's because my subconscious doesn't want to sleep late, so it's waking me up extra early just in case. Perhaps it's because I'm turning into my mother, who literally never sleeps through the night............... Oh gosh... this CAN'T become a habit................... O_O Perhaps it's because my stomach hurts, or because I know I have a lot to do before camp, or because I want to feel ultra prepared for Bible Study this summer, or because I'm nervous about teaching a choir for the first time, or because I feel like someone is in my house, or because I haven't unpacked and I know I have to re-pack soon, or because I'm worried about the stray cats outside, or because I'm sad that my dog is getting old, or because I know I need to go get my hair done and my freaking eyebrows waxed, or because I'm annoyed that my Christmas tree is STILL in my room fully decorated, or because I'm thirsty, or because I need to go work out, or because I want to go swimming, or because I'm not happy about how I've lived my life the past few weeks, or because of some other obscure reason that I can't even bother trying to think of at the moment.Yeah... I can try to justify not being able to sleep with any of these, really. Except the ones that are just absurd... those are really just my sarcastic frustrations with not being able to sleep.
No, I know why I can't sleep. I'm completely aware of why I can't sleep. It's this whole battle between the head and the heart. It's having to fight my heart hurting at night when it gets sad because, even though my head is the one who reminds me, my heart knows it's the right thing, too.
"But maybe it's not..." she says.
But it is.
It's having to tell the story over and over again, which I don't mind. I suppose that comes with having a lot of friends and being an in depth story teller.
It's wondering why my own heart, who keeps putting up a fight with me, did this in the first place.
It's the absence of conversation.
It's the memories of every tiny detail of the past year and a half of my life.
It's the fear of talking about it.
It's the frustration of knowing it's the right thing.
It's the pain that has turned to numbness, which is worse than pain, if you ask me.
It's the tears that I have refused to cry, and still refuse to do so.
It's the ache in my heart that only comes around when night falls.
The sun is up and getting ready to start the day. I can't decide if I'll just lie here with my eyes open, or keep them shut and still be just as awake as I am, now, or if I'll pray for rest.
I'll try all three.
I love you.
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