Good news/Bad news

Good news:  My hair smells awesome.
Bad news:  It's extremely dry and unhealthy due to all the fun colors I've put in it since November.

Good news:  I get to see some of my best friends in the world this weekend.
Bad news:  I've got to drive three and half hours to get to them.
Better news:  They're worth it.

Good news:  John Mayer is playing on shuffle.
Bad news:  There's nothing bad that I can say about that.

Good news:  I wrote a song.
Bad news:  I might re-write it.

Good news:  I get to pack for camp, soon!
Bad news:  I still haven't unpacked from school...

Good news:  I get to direct choir this summer at camp.
Bad news:  I'm scared to death.

Good news:  I'm listening to my radio/CD player on lower volume levels.
Bad news:  I'm doing it because I think I'm going deaf.

Good news:  I'm going to dress like Carmen San Diego for Night Life at camp.
Bad news:  No one will know where I am.

Good news:  I'm excited to teach on an awesome book about answering a call to ministry.
Bad news:  It's harder than it looks to turn an entire book into a couple of lessons.

Good news:  Another John Mayer song just came on.
Bad news:  Still no bad news about that.

Good news:  The Lord is holding my future, and that comforts me.
Bad news:  It's a good thing I know that's true... because my life is very confusing right now.

Good news:  I'm about to go to sleep.
Bad news:  My neck hurts.

But, do I really have anything to complain about???

Good news:  I live in a house, am wearing pajamas, have a laptop, have air conditioning, am sleeping in a bed, tonight, have a full belly, will get to eat again in the morning when I wake up, have a bear to snuggle with, have electricity, have water for when I get thirsty, and, most importantly, have the blood of Jesus washing over my life.

Nope... definitely no real complaints. 

Late Night/Early Morning Insomnia

INSOMNIA

Perhaps it's the fact that I slept until 10:30 the past two mornings of the week.  Which wouldn't make sense, because I've slept until 10:30 plenty of times in the past and have been able to sleep just fine the next night.  Perhaps it's the pint of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream that I ate around 11:00 PM... That would make sense, considering the fact that it has a lot of sugar in it... combined with the late mornings I've been having... I could see that as an option.  Perhaps it's a temperature control issue.  That would also make sense, because I literally cannot decide if I'm hot, cold, or comfortable.  Thus far, the pattern goes from comfortable --- hot --- throws off covers --- cold --- and repeat.  It's miserable.  Perhaps it's because I have 5000 ideas for a song running through my head at one time.  Perhaps it's because of my old house creaking a lot and freaking me out everytime something pops/cracks/shutters.  Perhaps it's because my subconscious doesn't want to sleep late, so it's waking me up extra early just in case.  Perhaps it's because I'm turning into my mother, who literally never sleeps through the night............... Oh gosh... this CAN'T become a habit................... O_O  Perhaps it's because my stomach hurts, or because I know I have a lot to do before camp, or because I want to feel ultra prepared for Bible Study this summer, or because I'm nervous about teaching a choir for the first time, or because I feel like someone is in my house, or because I haven't unpacked and I know I have to re-pack soon, or because I'm worried about the stray cats outside, or because I'm sad that my dog is getting old, or because I know I need to go get my hair done and my freaking eyebrows waxed, or because I'm annoyed that my Christmas tree is STILL in my room fully decorated, or because I'm thirsty, or because I need to go work out, or because I want to go swimming, or because I'm not happy about how I've lived my life the past few weeks, or because of some other obscure reason that I can't even bother trying to think of at the moment.

Yeah... I can try to justify not being able to sleep with any of these, really.  Except the ones that are just absurd... those are really just my sarcastic frustrations with not being able to sleep.

No, I know why I can't sleep.  I'm completely aware of why I can't sleep.  It's this whole battle between the head and the heart.  It's having to fight my heart hurting at night when it gets sad because, even though my head is the one who reminds me, my heart knows it's the right thing, too. 

"But maybe it's not..." she says.

But it is.

It's having to tell the story over and over again, which I don't mind.  I suppose that comes with having a lot of friends and being an in depth story teller. 
It's wondering why my own heart, who keeps putting up a fight with me, did this in the first place.
It's the absence of conversation.
It's the memories of every tiny detail of the past year and a half of my life.
It's the fear of talking about it.
It's the frustration of knowing it's the right thing.
It's the pain that has turned to numbness, which is worse than pain, if you ask me.
It's the tears that I have refused to cry, and still refuse to do so.
It's the ache in my heart that only comes around when night falls.

The sun is up and getting ready to start the day.  I can't decide if I'll just lie here with my eyes open, or keep them shut and still be just as awake as I am, now, or if I'll pray for rest. 

I'll try all three.

Making Lists "Like Crazy"

Tonight is another list night.  As you all will soon learn... I really love lists.  Especially lists that end on intervals of five.  So, here we go.

1. I've realized that this summer, my life is going to radically change in the best way possible, and I'm totally okay with that. 
2. Snail mail (writing letters as a form of communication which is a very lost art, if you ask me) is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm probably going to make a vow to use my cell phone as little as possible and just write letters.  It makes communication more exciting and personal.
3. When I was five years old, one of my worst fears was that the world as I knew it was going to physically turn upside down and everyone on the planet was going to fall into space.  That is still one of my worst fears... even though I now know about this thing called "gravity."
4. It frustrates me when I feel like I have run out of guitar chords to write a new song.
5. Despite this frustration, I'm on my way to writing an epic song, anyway.
6. The movie, "Like Crazy," is quite possibly one of the most conflicting and frustrating films I have ever seen.  But it's good.  In an awful way.
7. I still haven't unpacked my clothes from school.
8. I really wish I had an excuse to wear the cowboy hat I bought in Texas.
9. Sometimes, I think about the times I would play in the ditch close to our house and miss them... then I remember that I was playing in a sewer for fun.
10. I really can't express to anyone how excited I am to get to Fuge. 

Until the next time.

Ravenclaws and Firebirds Unite!

While I sit in my cozy bed wearing my Disney PJ pants that are exactly 9 years old, tattered at the bottom, and probably too short for even MY abnormally short legs... I'm simply thankful. 

I'm thankful to be home.  After a long day and sleepless night at my grandmother's house (seriously... most wretched pillows on which I've ever attempted to sleep) I'm happy to be away from the sadness of reality:  As I get older, so does everyone else in my family... and pretty soon, my cousins and I will be "the adults" of our family get togethers.  Weird.  But enough sadness.

I'm proud to say that I am currently brewing a Cure for Boils on Pottermore.  We're at 72%.  So far so good.  Ravenclaw for the win.  Roll Tide... or something like that.

I'd also like to say, with a WHOLE BUNCH of excitement that my Fuge team name this year is The Firebirds.  My staff members, campers, and friends all over the place can expect to see me in person, or in pictures, dressed something like this:

I'd like to say that my costume will be more epic and better than this... but, in truth, it will probably be much less extravagant and be very cheaply and poorly made.  But I'm going to wear it with pride.  Firebirds are taking the Fuge Cup.  Oh yes... the competition has already begun. 

...........87%..............

I'm also realizing with some sadness that I should probably take down my Christmas tree.  Or at least throw a sheet over it until after Thanksgiving.  My Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out should probably go, too...  I'm actually kind of mortified that I just typed that out and am wondering why I'm not just erasing it...
My Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out should probably go, too...
Better?  No?  Okay...

94%!!!!!!!!!!!  :D

With all of this useless information said... Gute Nacht. 

Gypsy Weddings, Emma Stone, and everything else.

TLC

I'm sure if I sat down in silence, I could write something profound and meaningful.  However, I'm going to make a list of random thoughts while watching TLC, instead.

1. I'm watching a show about American Gypsy's.  Currently, a 17 year old girl is getting married to a boy that she has dated online for one whole month.  His proposal?  He sent her a picture of a Ring Pop via cell phone that said, "Will you marry me?"  I wish them the best.
2. It's unfortunate that making hard decisions is a lot harder when one feels alone. 
3. I'm wondering if emotions have an effect on eye color.
4. Scenes from "Easy A" keep playing in my head and making me chuckle.
5. I seriously need to invest in Season 3 of How I Met Your Mother.
6. Last night, I was convinced I saw a UFO, had a mocha shake, told a sad story, and pulled over in the desolate Lowe's parking lot to dance my sorrows away to "Wild Ones" and "We Found Love."
7. For some reason, I would really like this "Long Island Medium" lady to prove me wrong about herself and talk to one of my dead relatives.
8. I didn't mean for the above statement to sound so cynical and harsh.
9. Update on American Gypsy's:  Fourteen year old, Hope, has been offered a runaway marriage with 17 year old, Cole.  Love is certainly running rampant. 
10. My dog looks like an Ewok. 
11. I want to paint my room.
12. Really and truly, I wish I had a house of my own that I could paint/decorate... or that my more interior design conscious friends could decorate for me.
13. Flo from Progressive really does make me laugh.
14. I'm worried that we won't have enough milk for tomorrow.
15. My previous statement makes me feel really selfish. 

I'm going to call that a night.

Me in a few simple phrases.

Hello.

At least I think that's the proper way to start a blog.  The above photo is... well... me.  However, I'm sure anyone who subscribes to this will know that, considering the fact that the only people who will subscribe to this will be people such as my friends that I, most likely, ask to do so.  Does one even "subscribe" to this site?  I don't even know.

Anyway...

In the big scheme of things, I'm just a girl with a few dreams, blessings, and best friends in the world.  But, to me, I'm more than that:  I'm a daughter of The King.  I'm a sinner unfairly forgiven.  I'm a musician that no one knows about.  I'm a future choir director that's going to be a second Mom to a lot of teenagers.  I'm a friend who loves a little too much.  I'm a book worm when I want to be.  I'm a dancer to an infectious beat.  I'm a missionary waiting to go to Africa.  And China.  And India.  And Thailand.  And everywhere else.  I'm a 20 year old who DOESN'T have an iPhone... and, of course, wants one.  I'm a fan of William Fitzsimmons, John Mayer, Iron & Wine, Celtic Woman, Rosi Golan, Dave Barnes, catchy rap music, Backstreet Boys,  Jesus Culture, Hillsong, Ascend the Hill, and anything acoustic and sad sounding.  I'm a soft heart who is embarrassed to cry, but does it anyway, a Ravenclaw according to Pottermore, a spontaneous spirit who enjoys crafting wands and hates planned bowling, a road trip taker, obnoxious laugher, and a lover who wants to be loved back with everything. 

I'm not so sure what the purpose of this blog is, nor do I know what it's going to contain in the future... But that's because life is a mystery.  Thus... welcome to my blog.  :)

Sidenote:

My eye is intentionally crossed.  However, I don't know why I'm even trying to explain myself... Whatever.  This is me.  I'm keeping it. 

Fin... For now.