Coffee, donuts, and the grace of God

You know... God's grace is something we're never really going to understand.  And I don't think we're supposed to.  In truth, we're supposed to just rejoice in it.  However, God showed me a funny little parallel to His grace that I think needs to be shared.

Week six of Fuge, on the last day of Rec, all of us Centrifuge staffers were going to get up at the crack of dawn (and by crack of dawn, I mean 5:30 AM) and go help our Rec Director set up the rec field at 6:00 AM.  Definitely earlier than I wanted to get up... but CJ did it everyday, so what is one early morning of service going to cost me, right?  So I set my alarm for 5:30, knowing it was going to be more than a struggle to throw myself out of bed and go set up the field.  I mean... come on... it's week six, no matter what I do, I'm tired, and it's the last day of a grueling week... it's going to seem impossible. 
So my alarm goes off.  5:30 AM.  I groggily turned it off and said to myself in my head, "Okay... get up..."
So my phone rang.  6:15 AM.  My stomach sank.  I answered the phone... and it was, of course, my team mates wondering where I was.  I don't even remember if I said actual words to them... I just remember feeling unbearably guilty and super awful. 
As if I wasn't feeling horrible enough for not doing my part, with their spare time, my team mates brought me back coffee and then went out and got me donuts, because I was running late and wasn't going to have time to get breakfast before our morning meeting. 
What was this?!
Coffee???  To wake me up... after I had slept in???
Donuts???  To feed me... after I slept too long and couldn't get my own lazy self some breakfast???
It didn't make sense.  I SLEPT IN!  I didn't do my part.  I did absolutely NOTHING to deserve forgiveness for not doing my job... much less free coffee and donuts. 

So, as my roommate, Kristy, and I were walking to our morning meeting, I couldn't help but express my frustration and guilt about receiving these blessings that I didn't deserve in the least.  And, though she was kind of joking, she said, "It's like the grace of God.  We do absolutely nothing to deserve it... but he gives it to us freely, because he loves us."

THAT'S IT. 

I can't put it more plainly than that. 

So how do we respond to this ridiculously good grace?

I know after I received my undeserved coffee and donuts, all I wanted to do all day was thank my friends.  Thank them, and serve them, because they had served me.  And not serve them because I was obligated... but serve them because I loved them.  Serve them because their acts of love and grace really did mean the world to me, and I wanted to show them that. 

In the same way, we should respond to God's grace with acceptance and an unbelievable amount of thankfulness.  And because of this unbelievable gift of freedom that God has given us, it should lead us to live a changed life of willingness to serve him.  Because, honestly... falling in love with Jesus and turning our whole lives over to him is the most fulfilling life we can live.  God has given us his unending love, unending mercy, his only son... his everything.  Why wouldn't we want to give him everything in return?

The Difference in Will and Want

First and foremost... I'm not taking an ounce of credit for this little tid bit.  My new friend from Fuge, Becca Bradley, one of the most loving, gentle spirited, Christ like people I've ever met, shared with me a revelation that the Lord had given her about His will and His want.  The thing about God's will is that it's not the same thing as His want... Get ready...

I think we put God in this little mind bubble and try to figure Him out and why He does things... which is understandable.  We're human... we have a thirst for knowledge and we always want to know "why?"  However, this mind bubble we throw God in, often distorts our view of Him.  It leads us to believe that God is a puppeteer of sorts... a puppeteer who doesn't care about our needs, our feelings, or our lives... but that is the absolute opposite of who God is. 

Even in the case of Jesus Christ, our Savior, it was God's will for Him to pay the debt for the sins of the world on the cross... to be completely separated from God and feel His wrath.  If Jesus would have just lived his life as a good man and died at the age of 83... well, I probably wouldn't be here writing this blog, would I?  Though it was God's will and mysterious plan for Christ to die for us, it doesn't mean that God was in heaven WANTING His only son to feel His wrath and be tortured so that we wouldn't have to spend an eternity without Him.  It had to happen so that we could be reconciled to Him in the most beautiful way possible. 

That's another thing we throw into our God mind bubble, these days... God's wrath.  Lately, all you ever here is, "Well, Jesus loves  you, man..."  Which is completely and totally true, and I love the fact that Jesus loves me.  However, we're always very hesitant to talk about God's wrath because it might make some people uncomfortable.  And it should.  So we usually just avoid it altogether.  However... I've found a remarkable beauty for God's wrath... without God's wrath, there is no point in the cross.  If God wasn't rescuing us from something... then all that Christ did was in vain.  And the greater truth is that NOTHING Christ did was in vain.  It was all for the beautiful purpose of reconciling us to God so that we could boldy come to Him as his child.  We belong to God... he calls us His. 

Because we are His... we can rest when we come upon trials and sufferings.  God's will is something that none of us will fully figure out... but I think the important thing to remember concerning God's will is that God is a GOOD Daddy, and, even if He doesn't want to see us hurt, He is always using everything to work together for our good... Why?  Because He loves us more than we will ever know or understand. 

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him.  Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep  you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." -Ephesians 3:16-19

Good news/Bad news

Good news:  My hair smells awesome.
Bad news:  It's extremely dry and unhealthy due to all the fun colors I've put in it since November.

Good news:  I get to see some of my best friends in the world this weekend.
Bad news:  I've got to drive three and half hours to get to them.
Better news:  They're worth it.

Good news:  John Mayer is playing on shuffle.
Bad news:  There's nothing bad that I can say about that.

Good news:  I wrote a song.
Bad news:  I might re-write it.

Good news:  I get to pack for camp, soon!
Bad news:  I still haven't unpacked from school...

Good news:  I get to direct choir this summer at camp.
Bad news:  I'm scared to death.

Good news:  I'm listening to my radio/CD player on lower volume levels.
Bad news:  I'm doing it because I think I'm going deaf.

Good news:  I'm going to dress like Carmen San Diego for Night Life at camp.
Bad news:  No one will know where I am.

Good news:  I'm excited to teach on an awesome book about answering a call to ministry.
Bad news:  It's harder than it looks to turn an entire book into a couple of lessons.

Good news:  Another John Mayer song just came on.
Bad news:  Still no bad news about that.

Good news:  The Lord is holding my future, and that comforts me.
Bad news:  It's a good thing I know that's true... because my life is very confusing right now.

Good news:  I'm about to go to sleep.
Bad news:  My neck hurts.

But, do I really have anything to complain about???

Good news:  I live in a house, am wearing pajamas, have a laptop, have air conditioning, am sleeping in a bed, tonight, have a full belly, will get to eat again in the morning when I wake up, have a bear to snuggle with, have electricity, have water for when I get thirsty, and, most importantly, have the blood of Jesus washing over my life.

Nope... definitely no real complaints. 

Late Night/Early Morning Insomnia

INSOMNIA

Perhaps it's the fact that I slept until 10:30 the past two mornings of the week.  Which wouldn't make sense, because I've slept until 10:30 plenty of times in the past and have been able to sleep just fine the next night.  Perhaps it's the pint of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream that I ate around 11:00 PM... That would make sense, considering the fact that it has a lot of sugar in it... combined with the late mornings I've been having... I could see that as an option.  Perhaps it's a temperature control issue.  That would also make sense, because I literally cannot decide if I'm hot, cold, or comfortable.  Thus far, the pattern goes from comfortable --- hot --- throws off covers --- cold --- and repeat.  It's miserable.  Perhaps it's because I have 5000 ideas for a song running through my head at one time.  Perhaps it's because of my old house creaking a lot and freaking me out everytime something pops/cracks/shutters.  Perhaps it's because my subconscious doesn't want to sleep late, so it's waking me up extra early just in case.  Perhaps it's because I'm turning into my mother, who literally never sleeps through the night............... Oh gosh... this CAN'T become a habit................... O_O  Perhaps it's because my stomach hurts, or because I know I have a lot to do before camp, or because I want to feel ultra prepared for Bible Study this summer, or because I'm nervous about teaching a choir for the first time, or because I feel like someone is in my house, or because I haven't unpacked and I know I have to re-pack soon, or because I'm worried about the stray cats outside, or because I'm sad that my dog is getting old, or because I know I need to go get my hair done and my freaking eyebrows waxed, or because I'm annoyed that my Christmas tree is STILL in my room fully decorated, or because I'm thirsty, or because I need to go work out, or because I want to go swimming, or because I'm not happy about how I've lived my life the past few weeks, or because of some other obscure reason that I can't even bother trying to think of at the moment.

Yeah... I can try to justify not being able to sleep with any of these, really.  Except the ones that are just absurd... those are really just my sarcastic frustrations with not being able to sleep.

No, I know why I can't sleep.  I'm completely aware of why I can't sleep.  It's this whole battle between the head and the heart.  It's having to fight my heart hurting at night when it gets sad because, even though my head is the one who reminds me, my heart knows it's the right thing, too. 

"But maybe it's not..." she says.

But it is.

It's having to tell the story over and over again, which I don't mind.  I suppose that comes with having a lot of friends and being an in depth story teller. 
It's wondering why my own heart, who keeps putting up a fight with me, did this in the first place.
It's the absence of conversation.
It's the memories of every tiny detail of the past year and a half of my life.
It's the fear of talking about it.
It's the frustration of knowing it's the right thing.
It's the pain that has turned to numbness, which is worse than pain, if you ask me.
It's the tears that I have refused to cry, and still refuse to do so.
It's the ache in my heart that only comes around when night falls.

The sun is up and getting ready to start the day.  I can't decide if I'll just lie here with my eyes open, or keep them shut and still be just as awake as I am, now, or if I'll pray for rest. 

I'll try all three.

Making Lists "Like Crazy"

Tonight is another list night.  As you all will soon learn... I really love lists.  Especially lists that end on intervals of five.  So, here we go.

1. I've realized that this summer, my life is going to radically change in the best way possible, and I'm totally okay with that. 
2. Snail mail (writing letters as a form of communication which is a very lost art, if you ask me) is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm probably going to make a vow to use my cell phone as little as possible and just write letters.  It makes communication more exciting and personal.
3. When I was five years old, one of my worst fears was that the world as I knew it was going to physically turn upside down and everyone on the planet was going to fall into space.  That is still one of my worst fears... even though I now know about this thing called "gravity."
4. It frustrates me when I feel like I have run out of guitar chords to write a new song.
5. Despite this frustration, I'm on my way to writing an epic song, anyway.
6. The movie, "Like Crazy," is quite possibly one of the most conflicting and frustrating films I have ever seen.  But it's good.  In an awful way.
7. I still haven't unpacked my clothes from school.
8. I really wish I had an excuse to wear the cowboy hat I bought in Texas.
9. Sometimes, I think about the times I would play in the ditch close to our house and miss them... then I remember that I was playing in a sewer for fun.
10. I really can't express to anyone how excited I am to get to Fuge. 

Until the next time.

Ravenclaws and Firebirds Unite!

While I sit in my cozy bed wearing my Disney PJ pants that are exactly 9 years old, tattered at the bottom, and probably too short for even MY abnormally short legs... I'm simply thankful. 

I'm thankful to be home.  After a long day and sleepless night at my grandmother's house (seriously... most wretched pillows on which I've ever attempted to sleep) I'm happy to be away from the sadness of reality:  As I get older, so does everyone else in my family... and pretty soon, my cousins and I will be "the adults" of our family get togethers.  Weird.  But enough sadness.

I'm proud to say that I am currently brewing a Cure for Boils on Pottermore.  We're at 72%.  So far so good.  Ravenclaw for the win.  Roll Tide... or something like that.

I'd also like to say, with a WHOLE BUNCH of excitement that my Fuge team name this year is The Firebirds.  My staff members, campers, and friends all over the place can expect to see me in person, or in pictures, dressed something like this:

I'd like to say that my costume will be more epic and better than this... but, in truth, it will probably be much less extravagant and be very cheaply and poorly made.  But I'm going to wear it with pride.  Firebirds are taking the Fuge Cup.  Oh yes... the competition has already begun. 

...........87%..............

I'm also realizing with some sadness that I should probably take down my Christmas tree.  Or at least throw a sheet over it until after Thanksgiving.  My Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out should probably go, too...  I'm actually kind of mortified that I just typed that out and am wondering why I'm not just erasing it...
My Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out should probably go, too...
Better?  No?  Okay...

94%!!!!!!!!!!!  :D

With all of this useless information said... Gute Nacht. 

Gypsy Weddings, Emma Stone, and everything else.

TLC

I'm sure if I sat down in silence, I could write something profound and meaningful.  However, I'm going to make a list of random thoughts while watching TLC, instead.

1. I'm watching a show about American Gypsy's.  Currently, a 17 year old girl is getting married to a boy that she has dated online for one whole month.  His proposal?  He sent her a picture of a Ring Pop via cell phone that said, "Will you marry me?"  I wish them the best.
2. It's unfortunate that making hard decisions is a lot harder when one feels alone. 
3. I'm wondering if emotions have an effect on eye color.
4. Scenes from "Easy A" keep playing in my head and making me chuckle.
5. I seriously need to invest in Season 3 of How I Met Your Mother.
6. Last night, I was convinced I saw a UFO, had a mocha shake, told a sad story, and pulled over in the desolate Lowe's parking lot to dance my sorrows away to "Wild Ones" and "We Found Love."
7. For some reason, I would really like this "Long Island Medium" lady to prove me wrong about herself and talk to one of my dead relatives.
8. I didn't mean for the above statement to sound so cynical and harsh.
9. Update on American Gypsy's:  Fourteen year old, Hope, has been offered a runaway marriage with 17 year old, Cole.  Love is certainly running rampant. 
10. My dog looks like an Ewok. 
11. I want to paint my room.
12. Really and truly, I wish I had a house of my own that I could paint/decorate... or that my more interior design conscious friends could decorate for me.
13. Flo from Progressive really does make me laugh.
14. I'm worried that we won't have enough milk for tomorrow.
15. My previous statement makes me feel really selfish. 

I'm going to call that a night.